First day

Hi my name is Jay-elle and I'm a food addict.

Well now I have that out of the way i can tell you the honestly today has been pretty depressing. I weighed in at my local Jenny Craig centre for the 12 week weigh loss challenge and it was not nice. I feel some how that either the scales lied dramatically or I am just honestly way out of touch with my weight reality. It was hard to stand on the scales and look at the numbers.

104.4kg

It just feels so wrong. I don't know why I was so surprised, I mean I did go in and start this 12 week challenge but I guess i didn't realise my weight was so out of control. It's funny isn't it, how we as humans can be so critical of others yet when it comes to ourselves or our loved ones we seem to get a bad case of the 'half truths' or at least I know I do. I must be honest that yes, I did know I'm overweight, but i didn't realise it stretched as far as obese. I'm 5 ft 8" and by BMI considered moderately obese. How is there anything moderate about being obese. I find myself so frustrated by that term, simply because it tries so damn hard to sugar coat the reality. I am obese. there is no moderately about it now is there? The word obese did bring on a bout of tears. Shame tears more than anything. I cried in the car today at the supermarket because I bought biggest loser meal replacement shakes, I am obese and I am a size 18.

I am so ashamed.

I also bought heaps of fresh fruit and vegetables and light snacks. I am determined that this shame will go. I am determined that I will lose the weight and overcome my battle to eat healthy. But the problem is, I'm not 100% sure of how. I know i need to exercise more, eat healthier and less, more often and there is always water calling my name. I know all this, I know the practicalities of it all, but there still remains a part of me that doesn't know quite how i will loose this weight. I am ready and I am willing to do the hard work and give it my best, but at the heart of it all I guess i lack a bit of faith in myself. It's hard to be fully trusting in myself because look what I've done to my body so far. I've let myself get obese. And while so many other people out there are and friends and family say it's OK your not so big, I still feel disappointed with myself.

I am 21, 104.4kg and a size 18.

I have the motivation and reason. I have a goal. I have all the tools and help at my disposal. It just seems like such a large mountain right now. I feel like I have so far to go. And I understand setting small goals. My first goal is to get under 100kg and never go back there EVER!!!! but I'm not sure why I feel so defeated by it before I have even started.

Is there anyone else out there who is going through this too? the shame and the disappointment in yourself?

Is there anyone else out there doing the 12 week challenge? what is your goal weight loss? do you feel similar to me?

I just wonder because I guess I feel the need to understand that there are other people out there trying to tackle this same mountain. Trying to get the jiggly bits to shrink and stay still.

And yes, I do love to eat. Sitting on my couch, munching down crappy foods while watching TV. And already I have decided that it's a habit i wont continue from now on. But again, it's winning that fight with your cravings. I say cravings and not myself because to say myself sounds like an internal war is going on. Where as it honestly just is a Mind over habits thing. Habits that wont seem to die. OK, dinner is cooked and it's definitely time to go sit at the table and eat. Not here.

I just hope that this blog will at least give me somewhere to discuss the issues surrounded with weight loss. Realistically I could do with losing a good 40kg. but for now I'll just be content to aim for under 100kg.

Jay-elle